


is it wrong

by Terrygo



Category: Chalet School - Elinor M. Brent-Dyer
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-16
Updated: 2019-11-16
Packaged: 2021-02-07 06:00:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21453157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Terrygo/pseuds/Terrygo
Summary: I often make my characters have same sex relationships.This one is Len having these feelings and trying to deal with them.
Kudos: 2





	1. Chapter 1

It was no good only asking her mother, she would never understand that was for certain. But who could she ask, who could she trust to ask? That was the question, who could she trust? She wandered to her window and stared sightlessly out, not seeing the beautiful scenery.  
She needed help, advice, that she knew but who did she know that would help and not just condemn her out of hand.  
She considered her options, Miss Annersley, no she didn’t really think so somehow. Miss Wilson, maybe, perhaps, Miss Ferrars, again maybe. She had no idea why she felt they might help, it was just a gut feeling, perhaps not to be acted on. She had to do something, needed help, needed to know that she wasn’t crazy, that she wasn’t weird.  
She made her mind up, it was scary but she had to do it.She went to Miss Annersley”May I go and see Miss Wilson please?”  
Hilda raised her eyebrows slightly “Of course, unless I could help?”  
“Not, I’m sorry, I am not being rude, but I would like to talk to her.”  
Hilda nodded, rang Nell to confirm she was free. “She can see you now. “with a smile.  
As she approached Millies she worried about what she could say, what would Miss Wilson say, would she understand or condemn. She knocked on the study door and went in.  
“Hello there Len, what can I do for you?”

Nell could see that Len was very uncomfortable, so she told the girl to sit down, pottered about making coffee and chatted about nothing much. Eventually she asked, “Are you here as a pupil or as my god daughter?”  
Len looked down at her coffee cup “God daughter, off the record please.”  
Nell nodded “Off course, “smiled encouragingly and continued to wait.  
Len sat turning the cup around in her hands, not sure where to begin, or even if she should say anything at all. “I don’t know where to start. “she said eventually.  
“Is it school?”  
“No, not really.”  
“Home, not really.”  
“Family?”  
“Sort off.”  
Nell raised her eyebrows wondering just Len needed to discuss or tell her. “This is off the record Len, and I promise you that I won’t judge you.”  
Len looked at her “Why did you say that?”  
“Because it is obviously very difficult for you to tell me, perhaps you are worried that I will be annoyed.”  
Len shrugged “You might be, I don’t know “and was silent again for a while. “Well you know Reg”it wasn’t really a question.  
“Yes, of course.”  
“You know mother wants us to get together.”  
“Ah.”thought Nell “this is what is about. “she nodded “Yes.”  
“Well, well I don’t want to. “Len burst out.  
Nell paused for a moment “You don’t have to you know. Just because it is what your mother wants doesn’t mean that you have to do it.You cannot make two people fall in love. “she said gently. “You will meet lots of young men at University, you might not meet the right one even then, but truly, it is not a race to get married, certainly not these days.”  
“I don’t think about boys.”  
Nell smiled “That is quite natural, you are still quite young.”  
“No, I mean I don’t think about boys. “Len repeated rather cryptically.  
Nell frowned, there was something else behind that statement “What do you think of? “very gently.  
Len stared at her feet, then looked up, fear yet perhaps also defiance in her eyes “Girls.”


	2. Chapter 2

Nell had half expected this “Just one girl, or all girls.”  
“One. “whispered Len, once again looking at her feet. Nell waited, thinking of what to say, hoping Len would say more.  
“I miss her when she is not here, I miss her in the holidays, I lie in bed thinking about her.”  
“Is she a friend?”  
“Yes, yes she is.”  
“Is it perhaps just missing a friend that you care about? “Nell didn’t wish to put words into Len’s mouth and was being cautious.  
“I don’t feel the same about my other friends “there was a pause “You know I used to wonder about Reg, about whether I should think about him, but I never did, never missed him, never wanted to talk to him. To be honest I don’t care one way or another if I even see him.”  
“But that’s not the same with the other person, who I presume is a female?”  
“Yes, she is, what is wrong with me, why do I feel this way?”  
“Do you feel it is wrong?”  
“Well it is hardly natural to think about another girl is it? “angrily.  
“It depends what you feel about that person. “Nell was still being cautious.  
Len stared at Nell, realisation dawning in her eyes “Its love, I think its love “she stood up sharply knocking over her chair “What is wrong with me, why do I feel this way, its wrong, surely its wrong!”

Nell calmed the girl down, got her to sit down, made fresh coffee. All the time her mind was churning, of course Len had no idea of what she was talking about, how could she? It was not a subject openly discussed, certainly not in the closeted atmosphere of the Chalet School. Nell was also certain that it would never be discussed at home, Jack might know about it but it was doubtful he would discuss it with his family. What on earth was she going to say to Len to help her?  
“You may have to trust me when I say this Len, but I do know, you are not strange. Some may say it is wrong, I cannot argue against that, but that does not mean that I personally feel it is wrong.”  
“But its not natural. “Len whispered “I shouldn’t feel this way about another woman, should I?”  
“You are not alone in feeling that way Len. “Nell was very gentle.  
“I’m not? “a little whisper of hope in her voice “Are you sure?”  
“Yes, very sure “Nell paused “It is not common, but more common than you would know.”  
“Surely it is wrong though.”  
“As I have said, some would think so, personally I do not consider love to be wrong, whatever, whoever you feel it for.Tell me, does the other person know, has she ever indicated that she feels the same?”  
“No! I could never tell her, she is my friend, how could I tell her that-that….”  
“That you love her. It is not easy, and being honest, you may never be able to tell her, to do so would be a risk on losing her.”  
“Yes, yes “Len agreed “I cannot risk it.”  
“To be honest Len, in the world as it is today you may never be able to tell anyone just how you feel. People would not understand, they would judge you for it.You are not the first to feel this way, you will not be the last, you are not the first girl in this school to have these feelings.”  
“So, I cannot be honest, I have to-to conform.”  
“On the outside yes “Nell agreed sadly. “Who knows, in years to come perhaps people will not judge so harshly, perhaps even in years to come two people of the same gender could get married. But not now, certainly not now, for now you must keep it a secret unless you are certain the other feels the same way.”  
“And how would I ever know if I cannot talk about it.”Len was bitter “Am I supposed to marry Reg to keep up appearances?”  
“Do you want to?”  
“No, no, the thought is pretty awful.”  
“Then don’t do it, you don’t have to marry anyone. People might wonder why you remain single, but it is not their concern and they won’t be that bothered to be honest.”  
“Mother will be.”  
Nell nodded “Probably but don’t let her pressurise you, it is your life. “she paused to sip coffee watching Len’s face as she thought things over “A question to ask yourself is would you rather remain single rather than marry a man.”  
Len looked at her wide eyed” Single.” she eventually got out “Is that so wrong Nell?”


	3. Chapter 3

“To go back to what we were saying. “Nell began as she and Len strolled around the Platz later”as I have already said in some peoples eyes it is wrong, but I don’t believe that it is, love is love. However, it is a very hard path to choose, I must be honest, you would have to hide any relationship in the main, be very careful who you tell or trust. And sadly, there is always the possibility that the other person may not have the same feelings for you. A male/female relationship is accepted, it is the norm, although I dislike the phrase.”  
Len listened quietly, later she was to wonder why she had never queried how Nell knew so much on the subject. At that point all Len concentrated on was her own feelings at dealing with the huge problems involved.  
Nell had pondered on what to tell Len, how much did the girl need to know. She needed to ensure Len knew it was not wrong, but equally that she knew it was not something to talk about openly. In the more open atmosphere at college she might be able to discuss it, perhaps find some like minded souls, here, at school, she must remain silent no matter how strong her feelings were. She didn’t want to scare Len, just ensure she knew how difficult it could be.  
As they strolled around the Platz Len asked the question that Nell knew she would. “So, what do I do?”  
“Right now, nothing. “Nell was firm “at school your feelings and thoughts on this must remain between you and I.”  
Len inspected a fallen tree for ants then sat down, Nell remained standing. “I can see the sense in that.”  
“At college it may be more possible to be more open, but I would advise you wait and see before you do anything.”  
Again, Len agreed “Is it wrong to prefer woman to men?”  
Nell sat down beside her “Personally I don’t think so, love is love, it is just rather sad that you cannot be open about it.”  
“How do you know these things? “Len was curious and finally asked.  
“I have been around Len and I have come across it before.”  
“Does it shock you?”  
“No, not at all, or least not now. I confess at first I questioned it, queried it, wondered about it, but now I can accept it.”  
“Did it ever disgust you?”  
“I think that disgust is a strong word, do you feel disgusted at yourself?”  
Len looked up at the sky”I’m not sure to be honest, perhaps I do, no matter what you say it’s not normal.”  
“Its not the norm, that doesn’t mean it’s not normal. “Nell countered, Len raised an eyebrow and looked puzzled “By that I mean I mean its not what everyone considers normal, but if you think about it, it is how you born, and many others were born but its very harsh to say it’s not normal.”


	4. Chapter 4

Len and Nell had many discussions on the subject before she left school and went to university. Nell could see it was hard for her and tried to give her all the support she could at that time. The person concerned was going to the same university, but Nell hoped that the contact would be diluted by the new experiences Len would experience. She felt that Len’s feelings would probably not change but hopefully she would find them easier to deal with. Nell felt that there was very little else she could do at that time, she wished that she could change things for the girl, it wasn’t possible, all she could do was to be there for her.  
Joey was still going on about Len and Reg to anyone who would listen, without listening or seeing herself. Len was cool towards to him, he in turn became a little more possessive than he already was, a trait Nell disliked about him. He wanted to go with Len to university, stay for the first week and make sure that she met all the right people. Joey liked the idea, Len, naturally did not, and told him so firmly, much to his annoyance. Len had decided that she would give herself a term so see if she would change her mind, she knew she wouldn’t and was really just putting it off for three months. She was not looking forward to the telling of it.Nell had advised Len if that was the case to purely say that she did not love Reg and not to mention any other potential issues. Joey and Reg would not be pleased but it was Len’s life, not theirs and she must do what was right for her.  
Nell said this to Hilda, they were spending Christmas together as they always did. She wished that she could tell Hilda more, but Len had not given permission, and Nell knew that unless she could share her own secret then that wouldn’t or was unlikely to happen.  
“That could be very unpleasant for Len. “Hilda mused “May I suggest that we stay here for Christmas for support in case she needs it.”  
“Oh Hilda, thank you, I wouldn’t have asked.”  
Hilda smiled “I know you wouldn’t have done, but you should have, we are after all her unofficial aunts. Also, it would be the right decision for her, I don’t think they are a good match.”  
As Nell expected university was a revelation to Len with new experiences, new people, new freedom and new ideas. She enjoyed it as did all her friends and she was mostly happy. She knew she would not marry Len; she also knew she could not mention her true feelings, not then, perhaps not ever. It wasn’t easy but she stuck with it.With Christmas approaching she started dreading going home.  
“Have you told them yet?”Ted asked lounging on the floor in Lens room toasting crumpets on the fire.  
“I can’t face the arguments Ted.”  
“Might have been better to get it out of the way by letter.”  
“You are possibly right, I can’t do that now, it’s too late “Len accepted and buttered a crumpet.  
“Suppose so, do you want me to come with you, I would.”  
“I know you would, and I would enjoy your company, but no, its going to be really hard, probably unpleasant, there is no need for you to put up with that.”


End file.
